Rap Attack

MC Spirit here with a new game,
Every paragraph with perfect grammar,
Using freestyle rap, spreadin' the pain,
Every damn breath a lyrical hammer.

Hmm, quite enough of that. Rules below.

After the collapse of Detroit following the devastation freestyle fallout of the MC Hammer vs Eminem battle of '96, freestyle rapping became taken as a much more serious threat. Entire neighbourhoods were sacrificed to contain the spread of the freestyle rap, and it is in one of these that you are dropped. Either born there, or transported there after displaying a gift for battle rap, you must fight to survive in this wasteland the only way you know how - combatative rap. To the death.

Your character is composed of three primary statistics - charm, presence and style. These are easily decided by selecting one as your primary, one as secondary, and the other as tertiary. Your charm makes up your mental and social ability, and can sometimes be used to avoid a battle and soak damage. Your presence measures your physical stature and ability, and is used to calculate ego as well as success in physical tasks. Style largely measures your dress sense and accent, and is your primary damage dealing statistic. Your primary is 3, secondary 2, tertiary 3, for the purposes of Burn.

In short, charm is defense, presence is health, style is offense. Non-combat tasks are handled somewhat freeformly, with the GM deciding whether or not a given task would succeed. If dice are unavailable, a simple guessing game with the GM can suffice, or rock-paper-scissors.

Your Ego is equal to 3 times your presence, plus any situational modifiers. Winning a rap battle resets your Ego to it's max, otherwise the only way to restore Ego is to otherwise succeed at some task or other, restoring as many points as the GM feels is appropiate.

Combat is handled through two stages. Firstly, it is important to note that combat is unavailable without spectators, and can only ever be one-on-one. Typically, an impartial player is required to judge the results of a given battle, but if one cannot be found, the GM is welcome to judge as well as rap, if they can do so impartially.

At the very least, the emcee initiating the rap must be able to deliver a freestyle rap of 4 or more lines, with an AABB rhyme scheme. Additional points are granted for matching any of the criteria below.

Every 4 lines after the first 4: +1 (max 3 times)
ABAB or similarly complex scheme: +1 (AAAA, ABBA, etc)
Directly insults the opponent: +2 (only once per rap)
As above, but through wordplay: +3 (no stack with above)
Skillful insult reversal: +1 (max 3 times)

After this, the recipient of the attack may respond with their own rap, following similar scoring rules. They have a maximum of 1 minute to consider their response, and may not consult notes. Once the scores from each rap are calculated, whoever scores highest deals Burn equal to the difference in score to the other. This is increased by your Style, and decreased by the opponent's Charm. Burn is subtracted directly from their Ego. Once their Ego hits 0, they are unconcious. From there, a further attack that scores 7 or more will kill the opponent.

It may be difficult to GM a system like this, especially if the GM is unskilled at freestyle rap. To allow for this, the GM may use notes and short paragraphs, mixing them to create a rap of the requisite difficulty.

THis could be fun...except I suck at rap...hmmm

Best I can do is this pokemon nerd rap:

You all acting like you know what a nerd is,
I have 18 years in the nerd bizz.
All you assholes think you can fuck with me,
But you can talk to my Hippiny!

I'll sneak into your house,
I'll leave before dawn,
You pokemon will be Ko'd
and you cookies will be gone!

Eat many cookies whilst sitting in tall grass
and laughing a jewish looking pokemon
like Probopass!

Thats about the only rap I've ever made beside a shitty heartless on back in high school...

No way your pokemon gonna take me on,
I've been slaying guys like you from dusk till dawn,
Sneak attack crit, favoured enemy: your ass,
Damn right, this rapper just got multiclassed.

Sure, you might be alright,
But you can't a candle to my godslaying might,
You best step down now, son,
You might be good, but you're no chosen one.

You’re challenging the night?
Then get ready to fight.
I’ve played every type of game
And gained the fame

I’m trusted by the dice gods,
Don’t need no mods.
I'll take everyone’s head shot,
Like their babies in the cot!

Check me,
I think you'll see,
I'm not afraid of you, bitch, you're just CR 3,
And I'm tossing out rhymes every line for free.

Watch, I'll throw down a d20 or two,
Don't even need my spells to deal with you.
Save or dies on every hit,
And you've got no chance when I throw down a crit.

Im so good i dont need no dice
im gonna chop you up all fine just like rice
An yeah thats right i dont know how to rap
i guess im sorry if it is pretty crap
sometimes i think oh maby i should learn
and then i would know an effective way to burn
*YOU*

Aww, shit, y'all! This just got real! Now, here we go!

Six seven eight!

I'm rollin' up a warlock, he's level six!
I don't get spell failure like that idiot wiz!
I'll shoot a little Eldritch blast right up in yo face!
And when I'm done with you, there'll be nothing left of this place!

Spammin' Invocations like a real boss!
Fight with me, and it'll be your loss!
CL 8? Bring it on! I'm so OP!
Arcane spellcasters ain't got nothing on me!

Dancin' round, doing a jig, over your corpse!
Freshly dead, that's you! I'll even kill your horse!
Fire damage, even acid, I ain't got no weakness!
I can even give you a terminal sickness!

Qualify, ain't a lie, for nearly every P class!
Except the ones not focusing on blasts!
Still, they're the ones that are really crap!
Fuck eldritch blast, I'll use this eldritch rap!

Well damn, another steps up to the plate?
Well, another for me to annihilate.
Spitting out rhymes, spamming euphemisms,
Even took the feat, Craft Perfect Rhythm.

You think you're the shit with your eldritch blast?
Your shoddy AC's leaving me aghast.
And you can't hit what you can't even see.
That knife in your back? Courtesy of me.

So listen, gonna teach you a lesson,
Breaking out my best 'cause I'm done messin'.
You'll need a heal, or an arcane shield,
I'll backstab your ass, then make you yield.

You throw an attack - what's that, reflex half?
I think you mean nothing, don't make me laugh.
You'll need more than your tricks if you want to hit me,
Invisible rouge, that's this damn MC.

Looks like everyone’s coming to rap for this town,
But its gonna be me that’s left without a frown.
You all think that you can face me?
Here is a lesson that I’m gonna teach ya for free!

You all think that the ComingDarkness is a pushover
Like a stupid puppet such as Grover,
Yet you don’t know the truth about what I can do in this rap war,
So what you trying to brag to me for?

My Necromnacer may be new,
But he has trouble to brew
Death is just the start
In his plan you still play a part

You all fear my AC when its turned on you
I’m gonna stick down a hole like Winnie the Pooh!
No one will even remember your name,
After I’ve shown you my life’s bane!

Darkvision and Listen, perfect senses,
Cover me while I build a consensus.
This battle's mine, all you as my witness,
Knife all you fools, send you to the abyss.

Flat-footed? Too late!
I've brought you to your final fate.
Cut your throat with a poisoned blade,
Leave you swinging from the stockade.

So word up, bitches, when you hear me rap,
Every word banging like a thunderclap,
Smack you down with another one hit kill,
Not in it for blood, just here for the thrill.

No use fighting, I've made my decision,
As I slice you with perfect precision,
I've made it my eternal obsession,
To show the meaning of rap ascension.

Well i gotta ranger he is pretty swinging
He gonna shoot you up the ass an then you"ll be singin
oh please no sir, no don't hit me
im the one with the shitty AC

His name is tavolk,
gotta goblin named gobbo
They gonna kill all your folk
An nothing rhymes with gobbo

hey yo folk now listen up
All yo attacks hit me like a frickin hiccup
In case i go down got kallas on ma back
With a wolf called varg both smoking crack.

Gobbo? Oh please,
That thing wouldnt be scary to a bunch of fleas!
Shooting himself in the head
Everymorning and just before bed

I laugh at him
Cause his aim is dim
He aint got no more brain
Cause he just shot it down the drain!

When that bolt was in his head
he was a creature of dread
Killed a barbarian hit three or four
unfortunately friendlies yeah hes killed more

but just think bout this when your tanking away
because i know how your gonna pay
you'll be hacking and slashing all the way
but who's covering your back for all the day

its gobbo behind with you his crossbow
and shit lots of chaos he will sow
shooting barbs left and right
but soon he'll fill you full of bolts till you cant fight!

thats right no matter where he aims
hes gonna be hittin your brains
with a bolt maby one two even four
Hell with his aim probably more!

You think that goblin is gonna do shit?
I'd do more damage armed with just my wit.
Even if a bolt comes somewhere near me,
I'm stacked high with DEX bonus to AC.

You heard right, that's how to assassinate,
Only one more way to put it - checkmate.
Your efforts I have to congratulate,
But this battle's won, let me demonstrate.

Dagger in your neck - just the surprise round!
Once you taste the poison you'll hit the ground.
You heard me right, that's 3d6 INT gone,
So come on then bitch, bring it the fuck on.

More damage dice than shadowrun,
But rolls to hit? I'll need just one.
So come on, save or you're dead,
And both ways, poison in yo' head.

So come on, 'cause I've had heroics,
But all I'm getting are your bad lyrics,
I'll be needing more than your sad rhythms,
To stand up to my mad algorithms.

I think its time i decided i was beat
maby next level im gonna take the rapping feat
i assure you that when i know how to rap
i aint gonna be taking non of this crap

*leaves battle*

fuck dis shit spirit, your raps goin down,
theres a new rap king, gonna steal your crown
time for this guy to step up to the plate
you started this battle and sealed your fate

let's talk about pokemon, now how about this?
you're party's alright but mine just takes the piss
with a zapdos, a moltres, and fuckin elecrode,
my mega awesome party makes your head expode

my squirtle?
the turtle?
it knows fire blast,
now its time
set the speed to fast,
your time is past
you been surpassed
you're comin' last
you been out-classed
its about time you get outcast
exiled,
you riled?
you ready for more?
come on then bitch try and settle that score!


(p.s. love you really )

CRITICAL HIT!

Well then, my boy, you think you can rap?
I'll take you down, won't need my sneak attack,
To rip you up and tear you the fuck down,
Won't even let you touch my rapping crown.

Pokemon party? I'll take them all on,
I'll cut them to shreds, even six on one.
Even ECL two, I'll run them through,
I'll stab them to death, then what'll you do?

Think you'll outclass me?
You're just level three.
When you turn your back,
I'll hit with my rap.

So come on then bitch, get your best ready,
I'm so far ahead, you can't even see.
Think you'll exile this rap? Well I'll Rebound,
Catch you dead on your feet, I'll stand my ground.

oh... i wasn't talking about me!

Hey you guys, you think that you all nerdy?
You're the bottom of the class, cause you ain't even heard me
You all think that you're in with a chance here?
go on home to mamma cos i'm starting to draw near
oooh
thats right, i mentioned yo' mamma
I bet you even whack off thinking of futerama
I'm great at pokemon, and I love my pokedex
I asked your girlfriend, even she thinks that it's better than yo' sex
you thinking I'm jokin? that I'm rhyming in BS?
Yesterday I say her doin it with my DS

You know what? Fuck this shit,
Its time for to take a breath and sit.
I have a long line of war,
What you trying for?

I’m standing tall on a pile of dead
Eyes closed like their lying in bed
I aint got no time to deal with fakers
So all of you can go off an meet your makers!

On a DS, playstation, PC or X-Box
I’ll call you a girl name just like Dr. Cox
You’ll go home and cry like a scaredy cat
Or a guy in a cave when he hears my Zubat!

Also:
What’s this Elliot? You trying for Pokémon?
You don’t know smeg from you Pikachu or Digimon!
I’m the trainer of the Legion, creator of TT,
I’ll bitch slap you face just like a Hitmonlee!

FO here, on the scene,
Compared to me, you're just green,
Call arty on your position,
Bombs dropping with perfect precision.

I'll blow your tanks, just for thrills,
Top o' the list for the assist kills,
Try to hide, but I can hunt in the dark,
When I catch you, I'll tear your bones apart.

Recon team, with missile pods,
Smiting you, bitch, like modern gods.
Camo on, invisible's my game,
Hey, I'm Spirit, it's in the name.

(Decided to go for a more modern theme for this one)

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

And then it ground to a halt.