5e Playtest

[21:12] <@Tavolk> Somewhere In a deep dark cavern there is a cage. This cage is full of completely unremarkable people in amongst this crowd is a human, an elf and a dwarf. All the people in this cage remember how they got here. The dreaded mindflayer. He was buying slaves in the market town. Somehow the dwarf the elf and the human got muddled up in these slaves.
[21:14] <Codex> I look around at the state of the slaves around us, trying to sum up how beat they are.
[21:16] <@Tavolk> Around the cage is a dimly lit room. Some of the "unremarkables" are working at various tasks. The room appears to be quarters for what you can only presume are the mindflayers thralls. Some bodies also scatter the floor.
[21:16] <@Tavolk> It would appear this is a rather grim scene
[21:18] <@Tavolk> In one corner of the room. A rather... intresting looking orc beckons each of the party members towards him.
[21:19] <Spiritcurse> "You first, stunty."
[21:20] <Codex> "I'll bite your bloody kneecaps if you keep that up." I say, approaching the Orc.
[21:20] <Spiritcurse> "Oh, fine. You first, vertically challenged one."
[21:21] <@Tavolk> The orc hushes you. "So... I smuggled something in here. You guys look like you could use this..."
[21:21] <@Tavolk> The orc fumbles for a moment
[21:21] <@Tavolk> Then reaches into his undergarments
[21:21] <@Tavolk> And removes (insert all your equipment here)
[21:22] <@Tavolk> He looks relieved.
[21:22] <@Tavolk> "Now." the orc blushes slightly "How about you get us outa here?"
[21:22] <Spiritcurse> "How did you fit a seven foot staff in there? First terrible pun gets a magic missile."
[21:22] <Codex> I take my pack, bewildered and bemused. Though I'm not sure if I want to keep the field rations in there.
[21:23] <@Tavolk> The orc winks slightly. He attempts to turn but winces and decides he should probably not move.
[21:24] <@Tavolk> "i think you should return when you have me a way out."
[21:24] <Codex> I put a hand out to offer some assistance.
[21:24] <Dorian> I take my gear and don my armor and robes, not questioning how a normal orc managed to fit a set of Scale Mail in his clothes.
[21:26] <Spiritcurse> After donning my clothing, I squint at the orc, wondering whether a magic missile would go unnoticed.
[21:27] <@Tavolk> The orc seems to feel a lot better after Codex's assistance.
[21:27] <Spiritcurse> I whisper to the human. "Would he notice if I cast magic missile?"
[21:28] <Dorian> "Probably. Do you think the lock would notice if the divine light of Pelor made it go away?"
[21:28] <Codex> After donning my own armour and preparing my weapon with a spell, I take my field rations (barring one day's worth) and place them on the ground. Then I raise my hammer and prepare to fuck-up the gate.
[21:28] <Spiritcurse> "I think so. We should probably cast at the same time, to make sure."
[21:28] <Codex> "On three?"
[21:29] <@Tavolk> (somewhere deep down in the heart we know all locks secretly have something breaks, perhaps that human would never love him back)
[21:29] <Spiritcurse> "Indeed."
[21:29] <Codex> "One,"
[21:29] <Codex> "Two,"
[21:30] <Dorian> "Three!"
[21:30] <Spiritcurse> "MAGIC MISSILE"
[21:30] <Codex> "THREE"
[21:30] <Dorian> I fire a divine laser at the everything!
[21:30] <Spiritcurse> "Don't. Touch. The. Lock."
[21:32] <@Tavolk> (The lock suddenly feels empowered, perhaps its evil plans of one day killing an orc would be fullfilled)
[21:32] <@Tavolk> Codex suddenly seems a little afraid of the lock
[21:33] <Codex> I grab the Orc and attempt to throw him into the lock, whilst trying to dodge any resulting explosion.
[21:35] <@Tavolk> The orc's crumpled and unconscious body after taking a magic missile is hurled towards the lock
[21:35] <@Tavolk> the resulting explosion kills most of the people stood around the cage. The orcs body absorbs the shock protecting the three... "heroes"... from harm.
[21:36] <Spiritcurse> "I'm a hero! Right, now, that way!"
[21:37] <Dorian> "No, that way!"
[21:37] <@Tavolk> As you march out of the cage you begin to see dimly lit stairway in front of you. It leads upwards.
[21:37] <@Tavolk> The human seems to want to head down a corridor in the opposite direction.
[21:38] <Spiritcurse> "Right, that way!" I run, occasionally firing a magic missile at shiny things.
[21:38] <Codex> "I prefer the Human's choice of action here. The dark is easier to fight in, for a Dwarf."
[21:39] <Spiritcurse> "Same here."
[21:40] <Dorian> "And the light of my god gives me good night vision."
[21:40] <@Tavolk> Your interesting use of magic missile attracts a man in robes from a door on the side of the corridor
[21:41] <Spiritcurse> "I think I have a plan for this man..."
[21:41] <@Tavolk> He lets out a yell of surprise
[21:41] <Dorian> "Show him the true divinity?"
[21:41] <Spiritcurse> I let out a similar yell. Except instead of surprise, it's magic missile.
[21:43] <Dorian> "Or that."
[21:43] <@Tavolk> The cultist lets out a yell of "ouch" then returns fire.
[21:45] <@Tavolk> a magic missile flies out and hits the cleric.
[21:45] <@Tavolk> who is shaped like an elf
[21:47] *** Dark (Dark@sux-DFC12BC4.cable.virginmedia.com) joined
[21:50] <@Tavolk> The wizard taps a necklace wich lets out an arcane glow. He then raises his hands and arcane fire spurts forth!
[21:50] <Codex> "Wow, rude."
[21:50] <Dorian> "Too true."
[21:50] <Spiritcurse> "I'm a better wizard than that."
[21:51] <Dorian> "You're a cleric, though."
[21:51] <Spiritcurse> "Point."
[21:51] <@Tavolk> As the fire is directed towards you you see a tear roll down the mans face.
[21:52] <Spiritcurse> "Pah, my little sister could cast better fire than that."
[21:52] <Dorian> "You're an Elf. How old is your little sister?"
[21:52] <Spiritcurse> "She's due in three weeks."
[21:53] <Dorian> "Point still stands, she's older than him."
[21:55] <@Tavolk> The fire hurtles towards you and you all sidestep cunningly. The mans fire fades and he breaks down into a flood of tears.
[21:56] <Dorian> "Ok, finish him?"
[21:56] <Spiritcurse> "Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."
[21:58] <@Tavolk> The Wizard stands up. He seems to be angry instead of depressed now.
[21:58] <Dorian> "OH GOD DIVINE LIGHT!"
[21:58] <@Tavolk> from behind the wizard comes a hurl of magic missile
[21:59] <@Tavolk> One aimed at each of you.
[22:00] <Spiritcurse> "What's that supposed to be? You call that a magic missile? I call that a gentle caress!"
[22:04] <@Tavolk> The holy lazer hits one of the few wizards appearing behind the man.
[22:04] <@Tavolk> the wizard is smitten.
[22:05] <@Tavolk> codex rushes the first man. batting a missile towards him.
[22:06] <Dorian> I surround myself in holy light and Dragon Dash at the man, shouting something about "FINISH BUSTER!"
[22:07] <@Tavolk> The first man becomes dust as Dorian continues his charge
[22:08] <@Tavolk> Behind the man a wizard in red robes also becomes dust
[22:12] <Spiritcurse> While shouting, I sprint towards the nearest wizard and headbutt him. "MAGIC MISSILE, SHIT EATER"
[22:13] <@Tavolk> The wizard (in green robes) grabs your head but then is hit by a magic missile. He stumbles back a bit.
[22:16] <@Tavolk> The green robed wizard shoots a magic missile at Spiritcurse
[22:18] <@Tavolk> The wizard (in blue robes) now uses command and shouts "GROVEL"
[22:19] <Spiritcurse> Unaware of the meaning of the word, I assume it means "cast magic missile" in a different language.
[22:22] <@Tavolk> Spirit gets to his knees and begins to beg. Unfortunately unable to convince his subconsciousness to cast a missile.
[22:27] <@Tavolk> The wizard (in yellow robes) casts grease on the corridor.
[22:31] <Spiritcurse> I look the blue wizard in the eye, then wink. He seems unimpressed.
[22:35] <Dorian> I step back a few steps before once again surrounding myself with holy light and Dragon Dashing at the nearest not-a-friend.
[22:41] <Dorian> The yellow wizard is not a friend, so I turn him into what approximately resembles cocaine.
[22:44] <Codex> I flip the green wizard over my shoulders and down the stairs, on the way down, I pause by the pile of "Wizard dust" and stick my head in there.
[22:48] <Spiritcurse> After pausing to contemplate a measured and reasonable response, I stand and bellow "MAGIC TITTYFUCKING MISSILE!".
[22:51] *** Dark (Dark@sux-DFC12BC4.cable.virginmedia.com) left ()
[22:52] <@Tavolk> As you stare at the wizard spiritcurse notices something and begins to realise. This wizard isn't real.
[22:52] <Spiritcurse> "Wait a second... this thing isn't real! It's a cardboard cutout!"
[22:53] <Codex> In response to this, I swing my hammer at it just to make certain.
[22:53] <Dorian> "OH SWEET PELOR MY ONLY WEANKESS!"
[22:54] <Codex> The cut-out is smashed in two, despite the bluntness of my warhammer.
[23:00] *** Architects (Architects@sux-BB060E14.zone6.bethere.co.uk) joined
[23:02] <@Tavolk> in front of you there is a large oak door.
[23:04] <Spiritcurse> "MAGIC MIS- Wait. I think I should try the handle."
[23:04] <Codex> "I'd imagine that would be the best cause of action."£
[23:04] <Spiritcurse> "Agreed."
[23:05] <Dorian> "But it needs to not break!"
[23:06] <Spiritcurse> The blot streaks towards the handle, a blazing corona of octarine light.
[23:07] <@Tavolk> The lock underneath the handle lets out a silent cry for its long dead brother in the basement.
[23:07] <@Tavolk> Moments later the door is blown appart
[23:07] <@Tavolk> Locks are bad fighters.
[23:13] <Spiritcurse> "MWAHAHAHAHA!"
[23:13] <Dorian> "You're a bad person."
[23:16] <Codex> "Good people, don't end up here."
[23:17] <Dorian> "I'm a good person, now shut up or I'll hit you with a hate laser."
[23:18] <@Tavolk> In the now open room you see a grease covered redgaurd in a gogo cadge
[23:18] <Spiritcurse> "I'm a lovely person. I have this certificate that says so. Look!"
[23:18] <@Tavolk> the room has one other door
[23:22] <Spiritcurse> "I didn't notice that. MAGIC MISSILE."
[23:23] <@Tavolk> The door also crumples
[23:23] <@Tavolk> Another lock lets out a scream and theres a small burst of fire
[23:24] <@Tavolk> apparently you found the lock wizard
[23:24] <Spiritcurse> "FUCK YOU, DOORS. I AM THY NEMESIS."
[23:24] <Codex> "Did you just declare Jihad on doors?"
[23:24] <@Tavolk> In the corridor beyond there is another door
[23:24] <Spiritcurse> "Yes."
[23:24] <@Tavolk> this one has a sign on it tat says
[23:25] <Spiritcurse> The door receives a magic missile.
[23:25] <@Tavolk> "Steves room"
[23:25] <@Tavolk> The door takes the magic missile. It is then surrounded in a golden glow.
[23:25] <@Tavolk> the door seems to have healed all the damage you did to it
[23:25] <@Tavolk> perhaps you should try to OPEN this one???
[23:25] <Codex> I step up and put my arms out. "MAGIC MISSLE!"
[23:25] <Spiritcurse> "Oh, a funny guy... MAGIC MISSILE"
[23:27] <Dorian> "By god's light, I compell you to DIVINE LASERS, DOOR!"
[23:27] <@Tavolk> The door takes the lazer. It is then surrounded in a golden glow
[23:27] <Dorian> "Oh, that did something. More divine lasers!"
[23:28] <@Tavolk> the door seems to have healed all the damage you did to it
[23:28] <@Tavolk> perhaps you should try to OPEN this one???
[23:28] <Spiritcurse> "FALCON HEADBUTT!"
[23:28] <Dorian> "It heals damage. Maybe it takes damage from heals."
[23:28] <@Tavolk> YOU ALL FEEL COMPELLED TO OPEN THE DOOR IN MORE CONVENTIONAL WAYS.
[23:28] <Dorian> I proceed to heal the door for negative damage
[23:28] <Codex> I swing my warhammer at the door.
[23:34] <Codex> A sudden spark. We all know what we have to do.
[23:34] <Spiritcurse> I thrust violently at the door handle, shouting elven obscenities.
[23:35] <Codex> I thrust at the door, violently, yelling Dwarven profanities. Dwarven profanities are the worst.
[23:35] <Dorian> I thrust violently at the door, calling it a "Fuckshit pissy sprinkle!"
[23:36] <@Tavolk> Dorian suddenly realises
[23:37] <@Tavolk> This door was designed for 4 simultanious insulting thrusts :O PERHAPS THAT HELPFUL REDGAURD IN THE GOGOCADGE COULD HELP?
[23:38] <Dorian> I pelvic thrust a hate laser at the gogo cage.
[23:39] <Spiritcurse> "I'll convince him to help! MAGIC MISSILE!"
[23:39] <Architects> "Sup niggers"
[23:39] <Architects> "Woah shit son, get out of that"
[23:40] <Dorian> I pelvic thrust a hate laser at... whatever looks thrustable.
[23:40] <Codex> I approach the door and try the handle.
[23:41] <Spiritcurse> I dive in the way, blocking him. "NO!"
[23:41] <Dorian> Intent on becoming Micheal Jackson, or some other disco deity, I pelvic thrust at the dwarven cleric
[23:41] <@Tavolk> It lets out a wail of fury "SO CLOSE!" you hear
[23:41] <Dorian> Of course, it fires another hate laser at him.
[23:41] <Spiritcurse> "Well stunty here can help you finish!"
[23:43] <Dorian> I pelvic thrust at the door hinges. With more hate lasers.
[23:43] <Dorian> This is kind of getting old, now.
[23:44] <@Tavolk> Beyond the now gaping passage where the door once stood is a room
[23:45] <@Tavolk> In a studded white disco suit
[23:45] <@Tavolk> sitting behing a desk
[23:45] <@Tavolk> spinning a basketball
[23:45] <@Tavolk> IS
[23:45] <@Tavolk> STEVE
[23:45] <@Tavolk> THE DISCO MINDFLAYER
[23:45] <Dorian> "Fucker stole my suit!"
[23:46] <Spiritcurse> "Wow, we've travelled back to the 80s! Nice suit."
[23:47] <Dorian> "Fucker still stole my suit. And my mojo."
[23:47] <Spiritcurse> "Your mojo! THIS WILL NOT STAND."
[23:47] <@Tavolk> You hear a loud bang as the fourth wall breaks in two, spreads out knowlage and hate into ALL dimentions
[23:47] <Architects> "This rave nigs." Does the night elf dance, despite being a dwarf
[23:48] <Dorian> "That wall looks fun. Let's go through and beat up something.
[23:48] <Dorian> With ahte laser pelvic thrusts."
[23:49] <Architects> "Fuck, whos that fat ginger dude... His name badge says... Gabe Newell? Fuck, lets steal his bikes"
[23:49] <Dorian> "And those weird black... box things. The ones that say 'Half Life 3' on them."
[23:58] <Architects> "Yeah, lets set up this magic typewriter and play some half life threeya